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The Life Aquatic with Ignacius Baumann
The third episode of Mr. Baumann: The Series! Plot Baumann is hanging out at the local public pool. He climbs up to the highest diving board, miles above the ground. A plane flies by. (Baumann): Here I come! BELLY FLOP Baumann jumps from the diving board. He crashes into the pool, with a splash so big, it empties the whole pool. Kids fly all over the place. (Baumann): Ha, I love swimming! Though I wish I could explore bigger waters than this tiny pool. Suddenly, Baumann gets an idea! (Baumann): I got an idea! He got an idea. After six years of becoming a certified submarine pilot, selling the Baumannatorium to buy a submarine, and gathering a crew to assist him, Baumann is ready to pursue an idea that seemed fun for about 15 minutes but then he got disillusioned with. (Baumann): Stand tall, crew! Today, the S.S. Baumann takes on it's first voyage into the deep blue! Baumann looks over his talented crew of unpaid Mexican immigrants. (Baumann): Love the excitement! Come on, let's go! A hook drops the Baumarine into the water, and Baumann jumps in, followed by his crew. Baumann takes the helm, and they venture off deep into the water. They pass by beautiful schools of fish. (Baumann): Wow, would you look at that? The ocean is amazing! Suddenly, a big shark comes out of nowhere! It starts chasing the Baumarine. (Unpaid Mexican Immigrant): Oh no, a shark! (Baumann): Don't worry, I'll get us out of here! Baumann steers the Baumarine straight down, deep into dark waters. (Baumann): The lower we go, the higher the pressure will be. He won't be chasing us for long! They continue to go deeper, with the shark right behind them. As they go deeper, the shark starts to slow down, before succumbing to the high pressure and swimming away. The Baumarine continues to go down. (Baumann): We did it! We're safe! (Unpaid Mexican Immigrant): But señor Baumann, we're still going down! (Baumann): Wait... the controls are stuck! Oh no! The pressure starts to weigh on the Baumarine. Valves start popping all over, and water begins to flood into the cabin. (Unpaid Mexican Immigrant): Do something, señor Baumann! (Baumann): Don't worry, I know what to do! Baumann gets down on his knees, and starts sucking op the water. (Baumann): We can't drown if there's no water! He continues to suck it up as quick as he can. While the water keeps coming in, Baumann continues to suck it up. Baumann starts to inflate like a sponge, taking up more and more space in the cabin until his bloated body is smothering the unpaid Mexican immigrants. (Unpaid Mexican Immigrant): Baumann, I can't breathe! (Baumann): Grhhgbhrhhbbghhh... ggrbbbgrghhghh... Suddenly, the Baumarine flies up into the open sky! It drifts towards a harbor, where a crane pulls it out. The unpaid Mexican immigrants quickly get out, though Baumann can't fit through the door. (Unpaid Mexican Immigrant): Where are we? They are approached by a friendly dock-worker. (Dock-worker): Hello, friends! Welcome to China! (Unpaid Mexican Immigrant): We went all the way through the Earth's core!? (Baumann): Hbbrbbrr.... HBBBRBBRHRGHHH! The Baumarine explodes into a million pieces. A newly-thin Baumann comes stumbling out of the wreckage. (Baumann): Wow, what a day! Now how the heck are we going home? (Dock-worker): You're not! You're trespassing on international waters! (Baumann): Oh no! Well... POCKET SAND! Baumann pulls sand out of his pocket and throws it in the dock-worker's face. He and the immigrants quickly run back to America. (Baumann): I'm beat! I'm going to bed! See you, guys. (Unpaid Mexican Immigrant): I see you later, senor Baumann! (Baumann): Hey, wait guys! Here, this is for you. Baumann hands the immigrants a gift: legal passports for all! (Baumann): A special gift from me to you, I worked with the government to help you all get your passports! You're all U.S. citizens now! (Unpaid American Citizens): Thanks, Mr. Baumann! Category:Mr. Baumann: The Series